Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!