If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
You Might Also Like
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
For the orator and chef in all of us
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not