Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?

His Highness

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.