If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
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Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me