Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

Just this preview of the story is enough

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait