If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
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Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
emergency phone
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Heroic Misunderstanding
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”