Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

My favorite type of men is ramen.

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

NASA has no chill