7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
If you can’t kill them with kindness
A shovel will do
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Wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard, “Actually sir, we have you on camera.”
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
priest: you may now kiss the bride
me: hell yea
priest: sir please get back in your seat
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.