@1MeLrO

If you can’t kill them with kindness

A shovel will do

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@JKNenagh

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

@UrbanDouchebag

Wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard, “Actually sir, we have you on camera.”

@WilliamRodgers

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

@MaraWritesStuff

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

@KWalps

priest: you may now kiss the bride

me: hell yea

priest: sir please get back in your seat

@sixfootcandy

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

@Metalligretch

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

@doguacate

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

@Jazzzzzmina

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.