Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

Saturday

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

you can only post this today

where do you see yourself in five years?

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.