Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

Nothing to do, you say?

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.

I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

I know karate and tons of other words.

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

ㅤ

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.