If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
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This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
You’ll be OK
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.