Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia

Me: what’s that???

Doctor: exactly what it sounds like

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about

KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?

ME: change the wi-fi password

KID: nonononono I’m sorry

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.