If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
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*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
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CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.