If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
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I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room