If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?