Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!

GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

they see me scrollin

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

me when somebody idk start touching me

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

Jogging

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.