If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
5 ways to appear taller
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.