If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard