Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

“Honey, have you seen the cat?”

– Mrs. Schrödinger

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*

therapist: ok what was that all about

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!