If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods