Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to

me: yea i don’t

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.