Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

Is this you?

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.