if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
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the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
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[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.