Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

それは草

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.