if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
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[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
the battle rages on
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon