If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
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When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
broke down and did it
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle