If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
You Might Also Like
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.