If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
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Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.