Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

Kids are funny:

8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”

4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited

Obama: Joe

Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.