Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!

Job interviewer: …And a weakness?

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”