If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
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Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.