Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

Skip intro

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed