Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

As a doctor, I can confirm

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”