Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

The fall of Netflix

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

No. YOU-buprofen.

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.