@Marcmywords2

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

You Might Also Like

@emily_murnane

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

@KalvinMacleod

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

@wildethingy

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

@Staggfilms

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

@panmidwest

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

@squirrel74wkgn

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

@skittle624

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

@man_spach

Starting to fear that all the urgent work emails I LOL’d at and deleted earlier were not actually April Fools’ jokes.

@KevinFarzad

Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.