If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
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[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Hear me out: his and hers houses.