If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

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My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.


A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.


Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.



– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order


Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality


Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…


There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.


Starting to fear that all the urgent work emails I LOL’d at and deleted earlier were not actually April Fools’ jokes.


Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.