Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*

My foot: I’LL GET IT

My brain: NO YOU IDIOT

What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.