If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
You Might Also Like
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
For the orator and chef in all of us
I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.