If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
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My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Incredible customer service.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
as is their right
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!