Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.

Legend 🤣🤣

My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.

I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.