Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

American Horror Story: Public Restroom

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.