Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!