Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

[Time is NOT Real Institute]

BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME {coyly}: Time is not real

BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?

ME: Right away

BOSS: …

ME: Oh shi-

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*