Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

TEETH IS INNOCENT

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.