Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

the noise i just made

I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant