If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
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Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾