If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
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I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
vegan witches, happy halloween!
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.