If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
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When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
hi why am I like this
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
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Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away