If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
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*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.