If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
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i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on