Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!

Doctor: is your finger broken?

No, I don’t think so….

Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.