Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over

love pickles so much i put myself in one

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.

Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams

goldfish mafia

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true