Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

Huge, if true.

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?