Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

next level snooze

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

everyone: “you changed”

the climate: i know 😞