IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
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Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I told my vodka about you.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more