Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead