“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
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I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here