Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

My favorite female superhero

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.