Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

*glances up from GameBoy*

SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

Our lord and savoury.

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.