Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!

ME: …

DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!

ME: …

BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!

ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.

MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

6YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

thats my bad