If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
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They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth