If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
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FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I hope this email finds you in a well
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.