Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Velcrow

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**