If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
You Might Also Like
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
#SuperBowl
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Finally
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.