If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
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I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Damn what did I do next
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Who chose this font
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store