If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
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We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Worth remembering.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake