If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
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Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.