If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
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Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
This makes total sense…
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
What is going on? 😅
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted