If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
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WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Made something I’m not proud of
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.