Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas