if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
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Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
no one ever comes back
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”