Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

I’m going to let this happen but in no scenario do I see it ending well.

-me sharing my fries

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

new career option?

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details