Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder

Sometimes? I’m slipping

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

All excellent questions

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

Children of the Corn Man