If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
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“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Only short people can save us
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers