If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
You Might Also Like
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.