if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
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Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated