if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
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The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home