Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime