If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
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People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.